I remember that evening so well. The dark crispness of the fall night It was church "revival" 2006 and the first time that I had dared to do a worship dance on stage in front of a "mixed" crowd. The times before was only in women’s meetings.
I was so nervous and fighting through some heavy past trauma. My pastor, at the time, went up to introduce me. I could sense he was nervous too. There were people there from our umbrella churches. It was a packed “house" that night.
So, he introduced me as “the girl that used to dance on tables for the devil but now danced for the glory of God.” as I sat there I felt the breath leave my body and at that moment I wanted to run as far away as possible. My face flushed and I wanted to disappear.
Then I felt it. My husband's gentle hand. He knew. He reached over and whispered, "you've got this" I walked up on the stage and was begging God to carry me through this because when I stood there starring out seeing the faces in the crowd I desperately wanted to be anywhere but where I was now standing , all eyes on me, but nevertheless I persisted and did my very first worship dance in front of all to see- "the girl that used to dance on tables for the devil." We had to sit through the message before we picked up our children from the church children's rooms.
It felt as if I could not make it home fast enough. My husband sensed it. He said, "Go on in and change I have the kids." I fumbled around and found my keys and raced to our room. I could not hold it together and crumbled to the floor sobbing.
Why did his comment stir such a strong reaction in me? I knew he had not meant any malice or pain but those words had carried such an impact and weight on my heart.
My husband had got the kids all settled in and entered our room sat down on the floor with me and gently took my face into his hands and lifted it to his and said, "Never never be ashamed of where you came from because it has propelled you to where and who you are today!" Then he proceeded to hold me while I sobbed until all the tears were released.
I have had several years to reflect back and ponder that night. It is still one that has had a profound effect on me. One thing I realized is I had not had any trauma-informed healing at all at that time. I was just trying to get by the best I could and let "Jesus do the rest." Not that He can't and hasn't but coming from my background I needed way more help and healing that what I had -which was zero.
The other thing, and more importantly, was that my pastor told my story in front of others without my permission. Never is that okay. But I didn't have the healing and the tools I have now to recognize it then.
Your story is YOURS! No one has the right to take ANY piece of it and expose it to anyone much less a sanctuary full.
I have forgiven and used that moment as a point of reference in my own life and when I talk to churches and pastors about the sacredness of holding someone's story.
This is the point- YOUR STORY IS YOURS TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL!!!
#shewhodares #yourstoryisyourstotellornot #journey #wisdom #healing #lessonslearned #noshamenow #loved #spritualresponsibility
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